Every time there's something going on in my life that I get nervous about, like leaving for Houston soon to meet with Dr. Burzynski I need to write. I've kept a journal since I was a young girl. To me, it's cheap therapy.
The one thing I can say that I've learned through ALL of this is, I have learned the meaning of FAITH.
Last year a dear friend asked me to give a talk in church. I said nervously "on what?" he said something you probably know a lot about. Considering everything your going through with your baby and her problems... On FAITH. I thought to my self, Huh... well that will be easy, I have lots of faith. I know my savior lives, I know he died for our sins, I know where I've been before this life and where I'm going after I die. I know what faith is. I have great faith.
9 months went by when I found out I was struggling with faith. "PURE TRUE FAITH",... probably one of the hardest things I've ever had to learn in life. It was the hardest letting go right before I went into brain surgery. I didn't know if I was going to come out of that alive... letting go.
I just want you all to know what it's like being a mother of 4 young children. What I struggle with. Not knowing how much longer I have here with my family. Every day's hard to get through with out bawling.
Faith doesn't make things easy, just possible. Because of faith I have peace. I am finally just now at peace, with my self and this horrible situation.
I know,.. It's not my will. It is His will. You know, that's always been easy for me to say to people. But think for one second if the tables where turned and it was you? If it were your family, or your child. Your children losing their Mother or Father or your husband losing his best friend. Would it be so easy to have FAITH???
Would you be angry if you lost a loved one?Would you panic? would you worry? would you cry imagining your little ones without a Mother? or Father?...I did, I did... until I excepted the Lords plan for me. I don't understand it. But, I except it. Now I'm at peace. I KNOW that if I stay here on this beautiful earth, or If I go, it is his plan...which is a perfect plan. One we don't know why or understand at the time... we can't see the big picture. We don't need to know all the answers right now. I know some day we will. After we return home with our Father in Heaven.
My plan goes a whole lot differently than this ones going. Prayers are being said, priesthood blessings I have had, and the temple we attend often. The Lord KNOWS my heart, my fears and my worries.
FAITH=TRUST and I trust my Heavenly Father completely.
This is the hardest lesson I've learned on my journey through cancer, so far...
I am VERY controlling when it comes to my family. As any mother would be. We have to learn to let go.
Have FAITH have trust and all will be well.